Hey everyone! We wanted to shout out one of our favorite shows from a truly wonderful group of creative powerhouses: Civilized! (They won a Webby, which is more than we can say).
You might recognize the voice of Sean Howard, who played the job-seeking, brood-feeding, moon dust-addicted party boi MELTROCULON in Chapter 1 of Jupiter Saloon.
Please enjoy this episode, and show them some love by liking/following/reviewing/rating over here.
Episode 1: Rain
Stranded on an unknown planet, Beatrix builds a shelter, while Bob does his best to help — and a new threat descends from above.
Starring Kristi Boulton, Michael Divinski, Mbula Enobong and Sean Howard.
Sound design: Eli McIlveen
Cover art: David Demaret
Announcers: Marisa King and Michael Howie
Content warning: screaming, violence, death and body horror.
Our theme song, “Satellite Girls” by Love Like Deloreans, is now available for vinyl purchase and free streaming! Jupiter Saloon would not exist without the support and brilliant music supervision of YouTooCanWoo, including major contributions from the Love Like Deloreans catalog. Visit https://ensemblerecords.lnk.to/LLD to check out all of your listening options. Great for: bounty hunting mixes, barbecue mixes, roller-disco mixes, falling in love on a random Wednesday night mixes, and morning meditation mixes.
Visit www.jupitersaloon.com for more information on our other episodes, including cast information and transcripts.
Season 1 Finale. When Joe and Tau go to see intergalactic pop-sensation Phase Queen at the IO Pavilion, they leave the bar open to a duo of sinister visitors. Everyone sends letters. Thanks for the great season!
CREDITS
Directed by Thierry Denis
Written by Chris O’Keeffe.
Mix and sound design by Daniel Tureck
Main theme song “Satellite Girls” by Love like Deloreans
Music supervision by YouTooCanWoo. Check them out at www.Youtoocanwoo.com.
CAST
Tau Neutrino played by Beth Gallagher
Hektor the Vector played by Mike Sears
Flynn played by Robert Guerra
Rover played by Rachel Beck
Dilapida played by Jordan Cobb
Dallas McLaughlin as AM1
Joe the Bartender played by Chris O’Keeffe
Jennora Dodonna played by Jill Rogers-Jensen
Matt Howell as The Courrier
Kevin Carranza as Murray the Space Custodian
GG Hawkins as Phase Queen
featuring Angela Lee Belleville as the shuttle voice
Our Executive Producers are:
Thierry Denis
Patrick Yurick
Chris O’Keeffe
Our Producers are:
Luke Piedad
Lea Wülferth
T.H. Ponders
Robert Guerra
Recorded by T.H. Ponders, Olivia Henrikson,Thierry Denis and Chris O’Keeffe
Visit www.jupitersaloon.com for more information, including cast information and transcripts.
Joe the bartender installs a roto tom wall. Six Geoffs gets a date using an interplanetary, pan-dimensional dating app. Then Karaoke Night is crashed by the bloodthirsty Aqua Marines and their bellicose swarm (flock? gaggle?) of murderous warbots.
At Jupiter Saloon, it’s an unwritten rule that you can settle your tab with a good story. So, Hektor invokes lore law by telling the tale of “The Cowboys of Antares” — a legendary group of renegade rock choppers he used to fly with.
Series Premier! Welcome to Jupiter Saloon, every space wanderer’s favorite galactic dive bar. Joe the bartender just wants a day off, but good help is hard to find. Flynn thirsts for adventure. And Tau Neutrino, bounty hunter-for-hire, wants a cover gig for her secret mission. Then the gang plays Frag, Frak or Frappe with a mysterious stranger.
Jupiter Saloon is a sci-fi comedy podcast (audio drama) that takes place at a dive bar in space. Hang out with this gang of misfits as they try to make their way through the universe. Be prepared for murderous warbots, crazy karaoke, intergalactic pop star holograms and much, much, more.
Episode Transcript
Narrator: In a world, hundreds of millions of miles from our own
Computer Voice: Initiating landing sequence
Narrator: where adventure is born
Joe: Hey Flynn. What’s all the gear for?
Flynn: Well, just getting ready for my next adventure with Captain Snakebait
Narrator: where heroes are forged
Tau: You see this? I don’t set for stun.
Narrator: and villains are deadly
Meltroculon: Feed the brood! Aaahhahahah!
Narrator: Is a place where bravery comes in all sizes
Rover: Whirrr
Joe: Rover!
Narrator: a place of mystery
Murray: I am known my limitless names
Narrator: A place where people….drink and recognize other people
Tau: You know what he said to me one time? He said — oh fuuuuuck. Look who just walked in!
Flynn: THAT’s the robot deathray guy?
Narrator: A place made of music
Computer Voice: Tomorrow night is Karaoke night. Reminder that because of recent events, this is not a BYO microphone event
Narrator: where sincere friendships can be made
Flynn: Hey squad!
Tau. Not your squad!
Tau: I want you to hold onto this. It’s my phone number, attached to a pocket nuclear device wired to trigger if I get too annoyed.
Narrator: And Chivalry isn’t dead.
Chuzz: Excuse, I’ve had two wet beers and wish to copulate. Will you copulate with me
Vice Admiral Lucious Borrack: You bitch.
Narrator: A place where chimpanzees are allowed to smoke inside
Joe: No no no, not that door!
Chimps: Screaming
Tau: All due respect to the tale of the space monkey casino, but I believe Hektor was about to tell us what was going down with Bleu getting interrogated by that ILP jackbag
Narrator: And there’s a guy made up of six individual guys, all name Geoff.
Flynn: Hey Six Geoffs, what are you drinking?
Six Geoffs: [six different simultaneous responses]
Narrator: We don’t get it either
Narrator: Jupiter saloon. The only bar in the galaxy where you can settle your tab with a good story.
Computer Voice: Please prepare for our final approach. We are now landing at the Jupiter Saloon.
Narrator: make your way to Jupiter Saloon. because we’re pretty sure you left your credit card there last night anyway.
Bleu: Hektor, please give them a sense of how sorry we are
Hektor: I see my reputation precedes me. I assure you, only the most lugubrious aspects of the gossip are true.
Voice: Jupiter Saloon. Coming 2022 to an intergalactic truckstop dive bar near you.
Joe pours drinks, Flynn searches for purpose, and a mysterious young woman visits Jupiter Saloon. Later, we hear the tale of the Captain Snakebait and the infamous Sidewinder Mutiny!
Intro Voice Over (Jordan): Support for this project is provided by the Estate of Dr. Jewel Plummer Cobb, whose commitment to education, science, the arts and equality lives on through her memory. Please remember to support creativity wherever you can.
[spaceship flying followed by the ambient noise of its engines]
Voice Over (Spaceship AI): We are now in orbit around the stormy atmosphere of Jupiter. On your left you will see IO, Jupiter’s fourth-largest moon with shuttle service daily from the planet. Make sure to see a show at the Galileo IO Pavilion. On the right you will see the Olde Europa House – talk to your drive if you’d like to schedule a tour.
Please prepare for our final approach. We are now landing at the Jupiter Saloon.
[theme music – “Satellite Girls” by Love like Deloreans]
[saloon chatter fills the room]
Joe: Welcome to the Joop – Oh, hi Flynn.
Flynn: What’s good, Joe?
Joe: I dunno man. Got a weird feeling about tonight. Someone’s either gonna get killed or fall in love. Wanna bet on which?
Flynn: Uh…no thanks. Man. Look, Joe, I just got back from this wild trip to Zoonon. It was crazy-
Joe: Yeah, you save any princesses?
Flynn: Not today, man, just a freight run. But that galaxy is full of cyber pirates.
Joe: Oh hey, that reminds me, this bald monk guy in a gold cloak came in, looking for you.
Flynn: Are you for real?
Joe: Yeah, he said something about an amulet and your destiny, or something?
Flynn: Wait, really?
Joe: No. Uh what are ya drinking?
Flynn: Ugh. I’ll talk a pint of MARS IPA and a Hip Shot.
Joe: Hey, also, please make sure you settle your tab. It’s getting really high.
Flynn: Oh, hey 6 Jeffs.
6-Jeffs (all six Jeffs speak at once): Good Morrow / Hi / Well hello there / Haaay / Sup
Space Bass: Man, would ya’ll get ya’ll’s asses out of my way. I’m carrying all this stuff. Don’t ya’ll see me?
Misc. Patrons: Oh, sorry / excuse me/ sorry.
Joe: Thank you Space Bass.
Flynn: Wow, karaoke tonight??
Joe: Yeah, you should stick around. I’m really looking forward to some of tonight’s …stellar performances.
[glass breaks in the distance]
Joe: Hey, Rover! Cleanup on table 15! (back to Flynn) How’s that blue gal from Neptune that you were hanging out with?
Flynn: Ah man, I thought it was going really well but uh then, ya know, the other night, she tried to break my heart. For real, she tried to stick hand in my chest cavity and rip my heart out. It was real rough.
Joe: Yep, that’s what they do.
Flynn: I guess I’m back on the market.
[overheard from afar, phasers chatting and approaching the bar]
Phaser Quartzney: So like, I think Phase Queen took so much time between albums because she was getting work done …like, maybe a noses job.
Phaser Yelly: (gasp) I love Teenage Andromeda. That song get me through my last supernova…
Joe: (to himself) oh boy, here we go…
Flynn: Hey Joe, are these girls here for like, karaoke or something?
Joe: No, they are phasers.
Flynn: Joe, what’s a phaser?
Joe: You know Phase Queen?
Flynn: Yeah, I know who Phase Queen is.
Joe: Yeah, well, she’s playing a moon show up at the IO Pavilion tonight. And all of her fans are pregaming. Here. Buckle up, buddy.
Flynn: Ugh.
Phaser Quartzney: Woah, this bar is… eclectic.
Phaser Yelly: Quartzney, how did you know about this place?
Joe: Uh, what can I get you guys?
Phaser Quartzney: Um, wait, (to Phaser Yelly) what are you having?
Phaser Yelly: I was thinking a cosmic soda. I’m on BLACKHOLE30, so like, nothing processed for me because I really need to reset my gravitational pull.
Phaser Quartzney: Oh, for sure. Uh hey, do you have sentient water?
Joe. No.
6 Jeffs: Ladies (x6)
Phaser Yelly: Umm… what are you?
Flynn: (brightly) Oh, that’s 6 Jeffs – he’s made up of six guys named Jeff …yeah, I don’t understand it either.
Phasers Quartzney: That’s weird. (to Joe) Um, do you take Interorbital express?
Joe: We are crypto only.
Phaser Yelly: Wow, Jupiter really is an emerging planet.
Flynn: You know, you can pay in a good story, too!
Joe: No …no, don’t.
Phaser Quartzney: A what?
Flynn: It’s a bar policy.
Joe: Shut up Flynn.
Phaser Yelly – Oh, oh, I know. Uh, tell him about Cindy’s bachelorette party.
Phaser Quartzney: Oh, that one that turned into a pan dimensional rager?
Phaser Yelly: Oh my gosh!
Joe: You guys listen. You know it sounds like a wonderful story. Tonight is Karaoke night. No stories on Karaoke night. I can only accept Crypto.
Phaser Yelly: Ugh. Where’s the bathrooms?
Joe: All the way in the back. Blue door on the left. Do not go in the red door. The space chimps are playing poker in there, and they do not like to be disturbed.
Phaser Yelly: Will you come with me?
Phaser Quartzney: Absolutely, this place is a dive.
Flynn: Man, Jupiter has changed.
Rover: [*beep, boops, something*]
Joe: Who, those two?
Rover: [*beep, boops, something*]
Joe: You don’t want to mess with girls like that, buddy. They like bad boys.
Rover: [*beep, boops, growl*]
Joe: No, you’re not.
Rover: [sad rover *whirrrs* away]
Flynn: Look Joe, I gotta tell you, I gotta get outta here, man, like I can’t do this Jupiter thing anymore. I gotta get up to Pluto. The works better there. There’s nothing here for me. There’s nothing here for me — woah… Joe, who is that?
Joe: I don’t know, but she’s walking this way and she’s not from around here.
Flynn: I mean, Joe, look at her …her eyes …her legs …her noses…
Joe: Hey there. How can I help you?
Tonya: You can start by turning off. This. Goddamn. Song.
Joe: Yeah, no problem. ROVER. Kill the music.
Tonya: Thank you.
Joe: Alright, what’s it going to be?
Tonya: What’s the strongest thing you have?
Joe: Well, let’s see here. The Red Spots are a local speciality. Nope? The Mode isn’t bad either. It’s what most people are having.
Tonya: Is the Schrodinger any good?
Joe: It is and isn’t.
Tonya: I’ll just have Tito’s on the rocks.
Flynn: Oh, hi there. My name’s Flynn.
Tonya: Hey.
[Flynn clears throat]
Tonya: [awkward silence]
Flynn: So, uh, yeah what brings you to the Jupiter Saloon?
Yeah, The Ol’ Loon…
The Jupe…
Tonya: Are you lost or something??
Flynn: Well, m’am, a space faring wanderer like myself is never lost. I just go wherever the solar winds take me. And, um, actually wait, do I know you… Have we met before?
Tonya: -so, you get lost professionally?
Flynn: Well, kinda! Actually, yeah.
Tonya: Could ya… get lost now?
[Phaser Kelly and Phaser Quartzney return from the bathroom]
Phaser Quartzney: Oh my god, Kelly, I was reading this article in Uranus Weekly about how your constellations are about to align.
Phaser Yelly: I know, I am like vibing right now.
Phaser Quartzney: The light of the universe shining off of your face.
Tonya: (hisses under her breath) Oh quick, give me your hat.
Flynn: What? Oh, uh.
Tonya: Just give it to me.
Flynn: Here!
6 Jeffs: Goodbye / Come again / Catch ya later / Ciao!
Phaser Quartzney: So… weird. To have six of them.
[The Phasers leave the saloon]
Tonya: Are they gone now?
Flynn: Yeah, looks like. Uh, why are you hiding from these people? I mean, uh, I get it, hiding’s awesome. Why wouldn’t you want to hide? It’s like my favorite thing to do. I wouldn’t what to hang out with a bunch of Phasers too.
Tonya: Here’s your hat back. Thanks.
Flynn: No problem. Owning a hat in a time of crisis is just one of my many talents.
Tonya: (grudging laugh) I’m… Tonya. So. Finn? What does a professionally lost guy do?
Flynn: Oh well, it is Flynn! But uh, call me whatever! What even are names? So, yeah, what I do, I go wherever adventure takes me. Are you sure I don’t know you?
Tonya: I really don’t know where our paths would have crossed.
Flynn: Hey, can I get you a drink?
Tonya: Sure… I’ll take a Multidimensional Sapphire. Straight.
Flynn: Mmm!
Joe: Top shelf, eh?
Flynn: (high-pitched) Yep, top shelf. Joe, give my new friend here on Multidimensional Sapphire. Straight.
[glasses clinking]
Joe: Two Multidimensional Sapphires coming up.
Flynn: Just the one, Joe, just the one.
Joe: Okay.
Tonya: So, you’re a regular here?
Flynn: I mean, I like to kill some downtime between jobs here. I got a busy schedule. I’m a busy guy.
Joe: Flynn, your crypto chip is bouncing. What’s your sector code? Are you still living in the sleep drawer by the reactor.
Flynn: It’s an executive slumber pod. It’s pretty common on Mars. Ya know? How’s your drink?
Tonya: Sleep drawer, ey? I mean, that sounds cozy!
Joe: Hey, Flynn. Seriously, you crypto chip didn’t clear again.
Flynn: Okay, well, huh that’s odd. Must be an old one. I must have accidentally grabbed an old wallet. Well, you know if it didn’t clear, I guess it’s time to evoke my formidable skills at a talker.
Joe: No, don’t do this.
Flynn: Per the policy of the Jupiter Saloon, I will pay my tab with a good story.
Joe: Good new story? Flynn, I’ve heard all of your stories.
Flynn: I ever tell you about the time with the space whales?
Joe: At least, twice.
Flynn: What about the time with the Sun Princess?
Joe: I told you that story.
Flynn: So, this one time, I was in a Galaxy Far Far Away-
Joe: That’s a movie. Do you have another card?
Tonya: I wanna hear a story!
Flynn: Okay. So I was saving this one for a really, really important-
Joe: (snapping) Flynn! Let’s go.
Flynn: (very fast) I saved Snakebait during the Sidewinder Mutiny.
[chatter around the saloon silences. Gasps can be heard from the patrons]
Joe: You saved Snakebait from the Sidewinder Mutiny.
Flynn: Uh huh.
Joe: No, you didn’t.
[the chatter around the saloon resumes]
Flynn: I did! I swear on my ship.
Joe: You don’t have a ship.
Flynn: So you don’t want to hear the story?
Joe: Okay, why haven’t you ever told this story?
Flynn: Because if I tell anyone, they’ll kill me. But uh, great listeners deserve great stories.
Tonya: That’s true.
Joe: Alright, let’s have it, but if it’s not good, I’m not gonna be happy.
Flynn: So… there I was aboard the Sidewinder…
[scene transition sound]
Voiceover: Jupiter Saloon will be right back after a word from our sponsors.
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Story B1
[The ambient sound of a starship fades in]
Flynn: (narrating) So… there I was aboard the Sidewinder… with the legendary Captain Snakebait, my best friend. His Second in Command, Quintilis Dilapida. And her two cronies: Lieutenant Zuzz and Becky of Venus. We were just coming back from another thrilling adventure.
[the Sidewinder drops out of warp]
Snakebait: Hahaha! Another narrow escape!
Dilapida: All thanks to your brilliance, Captain Snakebait.
Snakebait: That’s right Dilapida, you can put that in a bag and take it to the space bank. But make sure you tell the teller of the space bank you’re starting a gravitational savings account, because the interest rates-
Dilapida: YES, Captain. We can always count on you.
Snakebait: Damn straight. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do Kentrellion Dark Matter Pushups. These abs don’t sculpt themselves.
[Snakebait walks out of the bridge. A door swooshes mechanically, open and shut]
Becky of Venus: What’s a dark matter pushup?
Dilapida: Don’t kid yourself, he’s probably off taking a nap. God, I hate that man. Zuzz! Becky of Venus, is everything in place?
Becky of Venus: Yes!
Zuzz: AFFIRMATIVE!
Becky of Venus: I’m securing the systems now.
Dilapida: Perfect. I’ll get him down to airlock two, and as soon as I give you the signal, you know what to do.
Becky of Venus: I do?
Dilapida: Yes.
Becky of Venus: I don’t.
Dilapida: Yes, you do. We went over the plan this morning.
Becky of Venus: I have literally no recollection of that.
Dilapida: How can you have no recollection of this! We’ve been planning this mutiny for months! You just secured the systems!
Becky of Venus: MMMM… Disagree to agree.
Dilapida: Forget it! I’ll do it myself.
Zuzz: Let’s get ‘em!
Dilapida: You two just… stay here. …Don’t touch anything …try to remember how to breathe.
[Dilapida walks out, the door shuts behind her]
Dilapida: (from airlock two) Captain! Captain! We need you down in airlock two. Captain to airlock two.
[Snakebait runs to airlock two]
Snakebait: (opening the door, yawning) Damnit Dilapida, what’s going on? You know your Captain gets cranky if he doesn’t finish his pushups.
Dilapida: I’m sorry sir, but this simply couldn’t wait! But there’s been a mutiny!
Snakebait: What?! When?
Dilapida: Right now.
[The door hisses shut]
Computer Voice: Airlock sealed.
Snakebait: (from behind door) Dilapida! Dilapida, what are you doing?
Dilapida: Something I should have done a long time ago.
Computer Voice: Depressurizing cargo bay.
Snakebite: (In background) You’ll pay for this, Dilapida! I swear it! The crows of justice will come home to roost! And they will be hungry! Because the crow keeper of justice forgot to feed them last night, because he had a huge fight with his girlfriend because he spends more time with the crowds of justice than he spends with her! But she doesn’t understand, that the crows of justice aren’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle, and the crow keeper-
Dilapida: Enough! My God! If I had a credit for every time I’ve heard the crowds of justice speed, I’d be rich enough to have my own ship. Then again… now I do.
Snakebait: Dilapida, wait! Please. What about all the good times we’ve had?
Dilapida: Oddly enough… I can’t remember any.
[Dilapida hits a few buttons, the doors whoosh open, SUCKING. Snakebait YELPS at he is blasted out into space]
[Cut to Dilapida addressing her new crew]
Dilapida: And so it was that our brave, and valiant Captain Snakebait, was blasted into the cold, unforgiving, void. Where he instantly froze, suffocated, and, I assume, exploded.
[champagne bottle pops]
Dilapida: Cheers to your new captain.
Zuzz and Becky of Venus: CHEERS!
[glass clink]
[whoosh back to the saloon]
Tonya: Wait, so he just dies? When do you even come into this story…?
Flynn: Just wait for it …the best part is coming up. Another drink, Joe?
Space Bass: (From the Karaoke stage) Okay folks, welcome to Karaoke night, yet again, at the Jupiter Saloon. We’re going to open up the sign up list now, so yeah, sign up. Okay? Thanks.
Tonya: How did you not even notice there was a mutiny on the ship?!
Flynn: Nobody tells me anything! Where was I… So Dilapida and her cronies were busy celebrating. Meanwhile, I was downstairs…
[whoosh back to the Sidewinder, where Flynn is cleaning the cryo-storage chamber]
Flynn: I hate cleaning out the cryo-freezers. We never even use them, they just collect ice!
[a loud knocking comes from outside the spaceship]
Flynn: Is that… knocking? (gasp!) It’s Captain Snakebait! What are you doing out there!?Don’t worry Captain, I’ll save you!
Snakebait: (teeth chattering) Thanks kid! It’s freezing out there. These power gams like to stay toasty.
Flynn: You were outside the ship! You were literally floating in the vacuum of space, how the hell are you alive right now?
Snakebait: Let me cut you in on a secret, kid. Real men don’t vacuum.
Flynn: That’s super sexist!
Snakebait: I know you. You’re Flynn, Flynn the janitor. There’s a mutiny aboard the Sidewinder, Flynn. All the crew has turned against me. But not you, not good ol’ janitor Flynn.
Flynn: Oh well, uh yeah, there was a mutiny?
Snakebait: That’s right! A dirty mutiny. And now it’s time to clean up this ship.
[Flynn activates the defroster]
Snakebait: Oh no, no, no. I’m gonna go into a low gravity, high stakes action packed, blazing gun battle. I want YOU to get on a shuttle and get the hell out of here.
Flynn: But, I can help…
Snakebait: Now, now, now, Flynn, where does the Mop of Forbearance stay?
Flynn: (begrudgingly) In the Crow House of Justice.
Snakebait: And how do we maintain the Crow House of Justice?
Flynn: Through wise investments in gravitational savings accounts but aren’t you supposed to-
Snakebait: No questions, boy. There’s a mutiny. I must fly. This is too dangerous for you. Get on an escape pod and get off this ship. And maybe, someday, somewhere in this crazy universe, you and I will meet again and drink deeply together from the margarita of victory.
[Snakebite walks off, the door opens]
Snakebait: Hey, kid.
Flynn: (desperately hopeful)Yes, Captain?
Snakebait: Before you go, make sure you hit the bathroom on gamma deck. Evil has been done there too, if you know what I mean.
[the doors whoosh shut]
Flynn: …ew.
[whoosh]
Becky of Venus: Captain Dilapida! I just saw Snakebait on the delta floor security cameras. He’s heading up to the bridge!
Dilapida: Impossible! He can’t have survived!
Becky of Venus: He’s with the janitor! I saw him let him in!
Dilapida: Who? Oh! Florn the Janitor! We’ll kill them both. No one can know about this. Zuzz! Becky of Venus! Go, prep the shuttle. Find that janitor. We’ll fire his useless ass into the nearest star! Let’s see him survive THAT!
Zuzz: YUP!
Becky of Venus: What about Snakebait?
Dilapida: You leave Snakebait to me. When you’ve finished with the janitor Flen, both of you meet up in the cargo hold and secure the Empathic Sub-Routine Amplifier for transport. Once we make that delivery, it’s the Margarita Planet of Zylon 3 for all of us!
Becky of Venus: Yes Captain! Come on, Zuzz!
Zuzz: Comin’!
[Becky of Venus and Zuzz run off]
[Crash! Part of the ceiling comes down. Snakebait jumps down from the air vent]
Snakebait: Quintilus Dilapida, you know DAMN WELL, margaritas are only for winners!
Dilapida: Snakebait! How did you get in the ceiling?!
Snakebait: Just as the Crowds of Justice knows no bounds, a true Captain knows his ship.
[Snakebait fires his blinker. Dilapida dodges]
Snakebait: It’s no use! Give up now, Dilapida! I’m Captain Snakebait! I could out-duel you with one eye closed, and both hands tied behind my back! Watch this!
[More laser blasts are fired]
Snakebait: HAHA! Oh… OH! OH GOD YOU’RE FAST! …No! Please! Stop kicking me! (panting) MAYDAY! MAYDAY! CAPTAIN DOWN! Damn… those are some power gams! Have you been hitting the laser gym?
Dilapida: As a matter of fact I have! I didn’t think you’d noticed!
Snakebait: It shows! What machine do you use?
Dilapida: Actually, I’ve been switching between the helio-bench press and the plasmic inductive (catching herself) THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!
[Several kicks and punches ring out. Snakebait’s gun slides across the deck. Dilapida preps her blinker]
Dilapida: I’ve waited so long for this. The best to kill a man is to do it yourself.
Snakebait: Last chance, Dilapida. Put that blinker down before I make you wear it.
Dilapida: That sounds …complicated. There are easier ways to get a woman undressed, but unfortunately for you, we haven’t the time.
Snakebait: You’ll never get away with this.
Dilapida: Can it, Snakebait.
[She fires the phaser]
Snakebait: No! No! AAAAAAAAH!
[Snakebait yelps as Dilapida fires her phasers]
[whoosh]
Flynn: And that’s the story of how I, Flynn, saved Snakebait.
Tonya: What are you talking about? She still murdered him! If anything, you sent him to his death!
Flynn: No! I was instrumental in his attempt to retake the ship! And you haven’t even heard about my daring escape from the Sidewinder, and Dilpida’s crew!
Tonya: HAHAHAH you didn’t …even… hahaha…you just opened a door… ahaha…you’re just a nobody! You didn’t do anything! He still died!
Flynn: Hey, you weren’t listening. I saved him before he died. And then I jumped on the run and left there and have been on the run since…
Flynn: Wait. That’s it! That’s how I know you. You’re Phase Queen!
Tonya: Shhh, keep it down, will you? Okay, look, you wanna know the story? Joe – can we get one more round?
[Joe pours the drink]
Tonya: It’s exhausting. 72 concerts across 8 dimensions. I can’t go anywhere without the tabloids snapping pictures of me… and making up these nasty headlines about my noses jobs. I only had one and that’s because I had a deviated septum. (sigh) And no one actually knows me… I have an interdimensional law degree. From Space Harvard!
Flynn: Woah.
Tonya: Not that any phaser would care… Honestly, I’d kill to be a nobody. Wandering the universe, allowed to be lost… anyways, I heard this is the place to come to be a nobody… I don’t have any stories, though, so he’s my crypto chip.
[a drink slides across the bar]
Joe: Hey, this one’s on the house.
Tonya: Let me get his tab. That was a good story.
Flynn: Oh ….thanks.
Joe: Hey, 6 Jeffs, I’ll close you at too. How you paying?
6 Jeffs: I got this / Let’s split it six ways / put it on my tab.
[lots of footsteps can be heard leaving]
Tonya: Hey, nice meeting you guys. Maybe I’ll come back sometime, and, be nobody’s together again.
[Tonya gets up from the bar and walks away]
Flynn: Man, I really hope we see her again.
Joe: It’s a big universe Flynn, but ya never know.
Flynn: If I’m gonna be a nobody, I’d be a nobody for her.
Joe: I think somebody fell in love. Hey, ROVER! You owe me ten cryptos!
Rover: [sad *whirring*]
Joe: Last Call! Everybody, last call!
[Footsteps walk over towards Flynn]
Snakebait: Haha, not so fast. That was some story kid. But you missed a thing or two.
Flynn: (gasps) Snakebait! I-…how-
Snakebait: You’re a tough space janitor to find, Flynn. But you didn’t clean up your tracks half as well as you thought.
Joe: Hey, uh, we’re closing up. What are you having?
Snakebait: I think I’ll have margarita. And then, let’s go get my ship back.
Chris & Patrick would like to thank:
Our families, especially Angela Belleville & Kay Flewelling.
Zach Abramson, Lea Wülferth & Deidre Muro from YouTooCanWoo Jake Brennan from Disgraceland
Josh Rae & Ma’ayan Plaut from Radio Public
Nicole Portwood at Tito’s Handmade Vodka
Sarah Beth Smith, Marina Feole & Alicia Whatki Sarah Golding from Audio Drama Production Podcast
The Ringer and Gimlet for allowing us to borrow some of their team members
The audio drama community and the writers that write about it, including: Bello Collective, Elena Fernandez Collins, Wil Williams, and Alex at Audiodramarama
Andy from Inebriart
Duane and Erin Flewelling for getting us all of our supplies and providing a warm home when we needed an extra room.
Planet Apparel for helping us get amazing shirts at the last minute for a great price.
Chris would like to thank: Chris Abell, Andrew Buonfiglio, Jenna Lovely, Brady Sadler, and Mike Addonizio.
